I am an unfortunate victim of perfectionism.
Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 pm
I am making this topic because I am absolutely fed up with the way I do things. Rather, the way I don't do things.
I've managed to "finish" a few games, but only incredibly small games compared to those only slightly larger in scale that I'd like to complete. I'm no professional, but I've been doing this for at least long enough that I know the kind of scale I should be going for here. Or maybe I'm just wrong and stupid?
I seem to just repeat this same pattern:
> Have idea
> start coding idea
> idea looks great and/or plays out pretty fun
> build upon idea, e.g. add something as simple as a title menu with "play" and "exit" options
> become annoyed with game architecture somewhere along the way, usually because of some flaw or some repetition i always end up having to do
> Try to fix flaw with game architecture, but become frustrated in the process and recode it from the ground up
> Trying to "fix" the rest of the game to work with the new architecture becomes tiresome, so I end up recoding that as well
> That becomes tiresome, so delete project folder and start over. Return to any one of the above steps and repeat.
And repeat and repeat and repeat. I have a nice, simple idea I want to make into something playable and presentable, especially when friends thinks it looks cool and I think it'd be cool for them to play it. But I can't f574385cking do anything because I keep f05non8cking getting stuck on fjon3495cking game architecture and it's frustrating me to the ends of the Earth and I absolutely f059j83f98vcking hate it.
What annoys me even more is when I look at the code behind other games that have the same kinds of architecture flaws and annoyances as my own and I've acknowledged the fact that code can't ever be perfect a long time ago. But at this point, it seems like I can either recode from the ground up, or just stare at my text editor for an hour, trying to overcome the will to continue to use, what is in my mind, a horribly broken system.
My problem: I know my problem, and I've tried so many times to overcome this dumb problem but I absolutely f903n0gnmosfcking cannot and it's driving me insane. It almost drives me to tears knowing how many people I've disappointed with the promise that "it'll just take a week or so, probably less" when I end up spending a month just to get a f89t39gocking rectangle moving around on the damn screen.
Giving up is the last thing I should do, so should I just... wait? Is it just a phase? Am I going to get over it eventually? Does it take more than 4 or 5 years to do so? I can't tell at this point whether or not I'm just immune to progress, and at times, it does make me want to quit. I go into dumb depressive states for days or even weeks at a time and I return to the same rhythm, only to disappoint myself again and again and again and a g a i n.
I'm so. So frustrated. This endless cycle is consuming my life and more importantly my mental and bodily health. I want it to stop. I don't know if this is the right place to shit this massive rant, but I've gotten to a point where I really don't know what else to do. Other than cry, that is. I don't want advices, support, or pitiful 'pats on the back' because that doesn't do shit. If anything, I'm just tired of silently walking the sidelines, seeming normal outside of vague edgy tweets.
I'm just... really tired. I'm sorry.
I've managed to "finish" a few games, but only incredibly small games compared to those only slightly larger in scale that I'd like to complete. I'm no professional, but I've been doing this for at least long enough that I know the kind of scale I should be going for here. Or maybe I'm just wrong and stupid?
I seem to just repeat this same pattern:
> Have idea
> start coding idea
> idea looks great and/or plays out pretty fun
> build upon idea, e.g. add something as simple as a title menu with "play" and "exit" options
> become annoyed with game architecture somewhere along the way, usually because of some flaw or some repetition i always end up having to do
> Try to fix flaw with game architecture, but become frustrated in the process and recode it from the ground up
> Trying to "fix" the rest of the game to work with the new architecture becomes tiresome, so I end up recoding that as well
> That becomes tiresome, so delete project folder and start over. Return to any one of the above steps and repeat.
And repeat and repeat and repeat. I have a nice, simple idea I want to make into something playable and presentable, especially when friends thinks it looks cool and I think it'd be cool for them to play it. But I can't f574385cking do anything because I keep f05non8cking getting stuck on fjon3495cking game architecture and it's frustrating me to the ends of the Earth and I absolutely f059j83f98vcking hate it.
What annoys me even more is when I look at the code behind other games that have the same kinds of architecture flaws and annoyances as my own and I've acknowledged the fact that code can't ever be perfect a long time ago. But at this point, it seems like I can either recode from the ground up, or just stare at my text editor for an hour, trying to overcome the will to continue to use, what is in my mind, a horribly broken system.
My problem: I know my problem, and I've tried so many times to overcome this dumb problem but I absolutely f903n0gnmosfcking cannot and it's driving me insane. It almost drives me to tears knowing how many people I've disappointed with the promise that "it'll just take a week or so, probably less" when I end up spending a month just to get a f89t39gocking rectangle moving around on the damn screen.
Giving up is the last thing I should do, so should I just... wait? Is it just a phase? Am I going to get over it eventually? Does it take more than 4 or 5 years to do so? I can't tell at this point whether or not I'm just immune to progress, and at times, it does make me want to quit. I go into dumb depressive states for days or even weeks at a time and I return to the same rhythm, only to disappoint myself again and again and again and a g a i n.
I'm so. So frustrated. This endless cycle is consuming my life and more importantly my mental and bodily health. I want it to stop. I don't know if this is the right place to shit this massive rant, but I've gotten to a point where I really don't know what else to do. Other than cry, that is. I don't want advices, support, or pitiful 'pats on the back' because that doesn't do shit. If anything, I'm just tired of silently walking the sidelines, seeming normal outside of vague edgy tweets.
I'm just... really tired. I'm sorry.